The Perfect Match - A Short Film by Noel Anderson

Revenge is a dish best served cold so Elizabeth believes in The Perfect Match. She also thinks adultery is no laughing matter. This short film was an official entry into Tropfest in 2002. It was made before the worldwide digital revolution. I wrote it pretty quickly over coffee in Stanley Street. I thought The Perfect Match was lost forever in my move from Sydney to Melbourne some 11 years ago...but I found this recording on an old VHS Tape at the bottom of my cupboard.  The film is a lot of fun. I hope you enjoy it. Cheers Noel Anderson

The Perfect Match - Watch It Now

Lunch - Memories never die!

Have you heard much about AIDS lately? 

It‘s a month before Christmas late 1980s,  I’m waiting in the cafe at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School in North Sydney for my friend to arrive. He is already late. We hadn’t seen each other for some time, catching up more often than not over the phone, long distance, his calls going on for hours, sometimes two or three.  We covered a lot of ground over the line, politics and theatre his favourite subjects.  Think Chekhov, Moliere and Bob Hawke…Australia’s Prime Minister at the time. My friend was a set designer, a very good one… and I was the struggling director/artist or so I thought.  We spoke a lot on the phone. He encouraged me to expand my skills, maybe writing would be good, he’d often suggest.  I guess he felt I had a lot to say, maybe that’s why he suggested writing I remembered thinking.  It was a strange friendship thinking back, very much student/teacher with me being the student, as he would never see himself as anything else but the experienced professional.  He was bold, melodramatic with a larger-than-life personality, crooked teeth, yet still possessed the simple values of a country boy who’d come to the big smoke.  It’s been so long ago that I can’t even remember where we met but the one thing I’ve never forgotten was our last lunch together.  You see what my friend neglected to tell me in all our long conversations on the phone was that he had HIV/AIDS, and was now in the final stage of the disease.
The noise of a bloke shouting interrupted my thoughts.  The cafe was full of students, arty types. Who was that making all that racket I thought, then my friend turned the corner yelling at people – Move Out Of My Bloody Way.  He held a wooden cane. He was frail, he was very angry, he was scared…and he was sick.
“Noel…luv…it’s me, over here!” he bellowed across the crowded cafe like some aunt you’d almost forgotten. “Get a table will’ya, over there.” 
I was glad he told me it was him, as I wouldn’t have recognised the dying old man in front of me as my 34-year-old friend.  He was lifeless, hollowed-faced, hopelessly thin.  I stumble with shock at the sight of him, hitting my head, almost knocking myself out.  The cafe staff put some blocks of ice in a tea towel which I put to my head and sat us both down at our table for lunch, away from the onlookers. I was always on a diet back then so I ordered chicken salad off the menu while my friend ordered a cheeseburger and beer-battered chips.  He toyed with his fork and then said…
“Well, you made an entrance hitting your head like that!” 
“So did you,” I said, “Shouting like that! Anyway, it was cinematic, my entrance. Charlie Chaplin.” 
“But, I recognised you,  you didn’t recognise me. I could tell by the look on your face. You looked shocked. Do I look that bad old son?”  
I said nothing, head down, and just picked at my food.  He took a chip from his plate and with a glint in his eyes said…

“I have AIDS you know. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.  Do you know what that is?  Well, I have it…Say something.” 
“I don’t know what to say. Yes, I know what it is! I guessed it was AIDS too when I saw you. How are you doing?”
“How does it look like I’m doing? Christ, I’m not havin’ fun I can tell you that. It’s been fucking tough” he snapped at me, straight away offering me a chip off his plate. He was testing me I remember thinking. Teasing me, checking to see what I knew about AIDS, checking to see how frightened I was of catching HIV by offering me food. Food he may have contaminated, just by his touch.
“Yes. It must be tough I imagine” I answered sheepishly, not wanting another outburst.
“No you can’t my friend, no you can’t imagine…Death should always be pain-free don’t you think?  And you can’t catch it from sharing food…so have a chip.” He pushed his plate across the table and for a brief moment, he started to cry, stopping when he caught my gaze.
“I know that,” I said and ate a chip, sliding back the plate.  He raised his eyebrows.
“Good to see you. You look well. Very handsome” he smiled, grabbing my hand as if he never wanted to let go.
We spent a good hour or so talking politics and Australian theatre that day. He was helping out on a student film at AFTRS, enjoying working on it. He was so sick I wondered what, if anything, he could be doing on the set. Could he be the set designer? I never asked him. We joked about people we had known, some we’d lost too.  He talked at great length about his overseas trip months earlier, and how much he loved European art and culture. He gave advice on my career, reminding me that film is where the money is at, and he warned me not to stay working in theatre. When I hugged him goodbye I could almost feel his frail body crack under the strain of my affection.  I never saw him again.
He died several weeks after our lunch date.  After his funeral I discovered that once he found out he had  HIV he successfully secured a lot of credit with various banks, not telling any of them he was HIV positive of course.  It was on a line of credit that he had travelled to Europe. He never intended to pay the money back to the banks, and of course, he didn’t. Why should he?

Some years later the Australian AIDS Quilt was touring the country. The quilt is made up of the names of everyone who lost the fight against AIDS in those dark years, name after name sewn into fabric by friends, lovers and family members… stitches of love and sorry. I clearly remember standing by the quilt looking at hundreds of names, people of all races, young and old, that had passed away in the epidemic.  AIDS does not discriminate, it doesn’t care if you’re gay or straight either, married or de facto.  Thinking back going to a funeral a week was a common occurrence in the late 80s, you were friends with someone, and then you were at their funeral.  For a while world didn’t care, it was a gay disease, why rush to find a cure.  Rock Hudson, a high-profile celebrity, dying of AIDS changed that. Eventually, I found my friend’s name sewn in the quilt. I never forgot our lunch or his anger. How could I? Only people who lived through the AIDS epidemic will know exactly what I’m talking about when I say – We Are The Lucky Ones.  Over time, I wrote a play based on my friend’s luminous personality, about friendship, AIDS, about letting go. It’s called Dark Victory.  So, let this then my friend, let this be our victory against the dark. Hugs  xxx

The Australian AIDS Memorial Quilt Project – began in 1988 and provided a focus for the expression of community grief as the AIDS epidemic grew and was part of a worldwide movement to promote compassion, education and understanding about AIDS and its human toll. The Powerhouse Museum in Sydney received the quilt in 2007.

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I Wear the Same Shirt Size as William Holden

I’m at home eating Vegemite on toast, wondering how to kick start my film career when the phone rang.

“Hello Noel it’s June, I’ve got a job for you, filming in the Blue Mountains, starring William Holden, you know from Hollywood. Can you talk?”
The job was The Earthling and  I remember I was very excited to be working on such a high-profile film.
“Who am I playing?” I asked my agent.
“There’s no role as such, they need a Stand-In for William Holden. He’s the lead, playing a character called Patrick Foley, a drifter. You’re exactly the same shirt size and height.”
Boy, I’m the same size as William Holden? William Holden who danced provocatively with Kim Novak in the film Picnic won an Oscar for Stalag 17…and starred in the Hollywood film classic, Sunset Boulevard…well, fancy that!  I continued…
“But, isn’t he like a hundred?”  I was after all only in my early twenties.
“Yes, he’s much older than you but you’re the exact same size” June repeated. “Can you do it? It’s shooting next week.”
“Yes, of course, I can do it. Who turns down the chance to work with  a true Hollywood legend?”
“Oh I almost forgot about Ricky Schroder,” my agent continued, “You know the kid in The Champ…”
“The film with Faye Dunaway? Didn’t he win a Golden Globe Award?”
“Yes. Sure did. Anyway, he’s playing the boy” June barked and hung up the phone.
Kid I’ll show you a step I learnt in LA, first you gotta set the rhythm – William Holden in Picnic.
The Earthling was produced in Australia by Samuel Z Arkoff, a Hollywood B movie producer, responsible for some of the best exploitation films around, films like Blackula, The Amityville Horror and The Thing with Two Heads starring another Hollywood Legend, Ray Milland. Samuel Z Arkoff often stated his film formula for success as 1. Action 2. Revolution 3. Killing 4. Oratory (good dialogue) 5. Fornication.  This is interesting thinking back, as The Earthling didn’t have anywhere near the five points Samuel Z Arkoff mentioned in interviews.
You’re half dead. Together that makes one of us – William Holden as Patrick Foley.
The Earthling told the touching story of an old man returning to the Australian wilderness to die, only to find a young boy, an earthling, wandering lost in the bush after the tragic death of his family.  The old fella teaches the boy the art of survival.  The film was shot mostly around the Blue Mountains…however, when I arrived for my first day’s work as Stand-In for Mr William Holden, the production was filming in a national park on the outskirts of Sydney.  I remember being nervous, and to complicate things my car radiator started to boil over on the way to the shoot, which was stressful. I arrived on set flustered and was quickly ushered in and introduced as Holden’s Replacement Stand-In to the director Peter Collinson (The Spiral Staircase and The Italian Job starring Michael Cain) and also the great Aussie cinematographer Don McAlpine (My Brilliant Career, Mrs Doubtfire, Wolverine and The dressmaker).  I remember it being very cramped for some reason on set, and I recall a nervous energy at the very mention of the name, William Holden.  Pleasantries out of the way, I was then shuffled over to the costume truck and given a shirt, a sheepskin jacket and an old-fashioned hat to wear.  Someone pushed a copy of The Earthling script into my hands and pointed out the scenes we’d be filming that day. I was then handed a shooting schedule for the week. At this stage, there was no sign of Mr Holden (or Ricky Schroder for that matter) but you could feel Holden’s presence on set, it was everywhere.
You wanna know my name? It’s God! G – O – D, GOD! – Ricky Schroder as Shawn Daley.

The crew stopped and had morning tea while I ran over the scene to be filmed, preparing for my job as William Holden’s Stand-In.  In case you don’t know a stand-in runs the lines and stands in for the lead while the crew set lights, camera moves and focus. It’s a strangely lonely-challenging job that requires you to be patient and alert, something at my young age I found difficult.  Still, I managed to fight off my uncontrollable nerves, and I got the job done.  Once the blocking was done, we were ready to shoot, it was time to bring in the star, William Holden. The first glimpse of him my brain switched to slow-motion…as this old man of similar build, emerged slowly from his trailer, wearing exactly the same clothes as me, his facial features movie-star-familiar. William Holden tipped his hat in my direction and offered his hand…

“Hi I’m Will Holden, you must be Noel…?” he prompted for my surname.
“Yes…I’m Noel Anderson…?” I said swallowing my name, unsure of who I was.
“Well, Noel…And-err-son welcome to our little movie!” He looked me in the eye,"You know you look about as old as Ricky Schroder, think you can play me? Play Foley?” he chuckled with an American drawl.
“Yes, I think so.” Did he like me? I couldn’t tell.
We shook hands…quickly Mr Holden flipped back his hat, and it landed plonk on his head, just like in a Hollywood musical, and he took his place on set.  Suddenly there was fussing about, wardrobe started tugging at the clothing  Mr Holden is wearing, adjusting this, perfecting that…while the hair & makeup department went into a frenzy. Finally, Mr Holden held both hands high in the air, motioning he was ready act, and that he wanted everyone to FUCK OFF, which of course everyone did, immediately.
Peter Collinson the director asked me to run the moves for Mr Holden so he could get the scene down faster, which I did self-consciously, then I was escorted to the back of the set, behind the crew and William Holden took my place on set.  The legend was up and running. Lights! Camera! Action!
Nothing belongs here that wasn’t born here – William Holden as Patrick Foley.
By my third day working on The Earthling I had started to wonder what happened to the stand-in before me, the production was well underway by the time I was brought in.  Did he not get along with Mr Holden? Did the other stand-in get sick or something? I never did find out why I was brought in at such late notice…or why I was let go a week or so later.
The William Holden I remember was a cranky old codger with cracked skin and a troubled mind…I thought.  Maybe aging, losing his looks in Hollywood damaged his spirit in some way, or maybe it was Lady Demon Drink that had soured him. The Earthling was released in 1981 and took a pitiful $72,000 at the Australian box office. The critics weren’t kind to the film but over time it found an appreciative audience on television.
In 1966 William Holden killed a man in a driving accident in Italy, he was intoxicated at the time, and in 1981 just two years after we worked together on The Earthling, he died alone in his apartment from a fall, intoxicated.
Ricky Schroder who played the boy in The Earthling struggled as an adult actor and is mainly remembered now for the TV series NYPD Blues. I remember him as just another kid on set, surrounded by minders. I never spoke a lot on set to William Holden, I saw disappointment with himself, whenever I looked into those piercing eyes of his, and when I watch Sunset Boulevard on TV or his other film classic Network with Faye Dunaway, I’m proud to have experienced working on The Earthling with him.
You’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big – William Holden as Joe Gillis in Sunset Boulevard.
It was an exciting time back then, a time of pride in Aussie cinema, in some way, I feel part of the renaissance of Australian films, thanks to the experience of being a Stand-In on The Earthling. Thank you, Mr Holden.
For his contribution to the film industry, William Holden has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame located at 1651 Vine Street.

I Wear The Same Size Shirt As William Holden: The True Story Series. Check out other work by writer/director Noel Anderson 

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